Dating, Loneliness, and Men Part 1: Why Dating Apps Are Failing Most Men

This multi-part series aims to address the issue of male loneliness, and the corresponding decline in romantic relationships from the perspective of a Men’s Therapist. In this series, we will examine a variety of factors influencing trends related to males, loneliness, and romance. We will also then discuss potential solutions to these issues on both a micro and macro level. 

Men are struggling with dating, and we’re finally starting to talk about it. In my own work, I’m seeing young men navigate dating in ways that look very different from even a decade ago. Dating for men today too frequently comes with confusion, discouragement, and often, more isolation. If we zoom out, this matters from a bigger picture perspective for a couple key reasons. We’re living in a time of declining marriage and birth rates, both in the U.S. and globally, while correspondingly men continue to make up the majority of suicide deaths. The correlation isn’t hard to see: when a man feels alone or without direction, things can unravel. Romantic relationships aren’t everything, but they are a core piece of connection, meaning, and purpose for many men. So the question becomes: how did we get here? In this series of posts, I want to break down some of the key reasons men are struggling with dating, and loneliness, and then, we’ll talk about what can actually be done about it.

Are Dating Apps Really A Problem?

Admittedly, dating apps are a complicated factor to sift through in today’s world, but they are undeniably causing more harm than good for most men. Currently, it is the most common way that singles meet and has been since 2017. So on one hand, this popularity should mean that dating apps are largely a positive for individuals trying to find a partner. In theory, it gives us the opportunity to find like minded people with similar interests and values, and narrow in on what we’re looking for. We can get a sense of who someone is based on their profile, and decide from there if we are interested in taking the next step of going on a date. Additionally, dating apps, (again, on paper), offer more accessibility and allow us to meet more people, particularly if we live in a less populated area, or are constricted by other factors such as working odd hours, or working from home that prevent us from meeting eligible similar-aged singles out in the world.

Unfortunately, the theoretical benefits of this method of meeting a partner are often no more than a well intended idea, especially for men. There are a number of factors that make dating apps a less than ideal experience for both men and women. For one, dating apps, like many of its social media counterparts, offer something called the “slot machine effect”, meaning that the app is designed to keep you engaged by offering the possibility of finding something new and exciting each time that you open it, similar to Instagram, TikTok, and other social media apps. This means that it is hard to actually delete them and commit to dating one person, because they give us the feeling that there is always another better possibility awaiting us when we open it next.

More Swiping, Less Dates

For men specifically, there are even more issues that dating apps present. The majority of males find dating apps to be a difficult avenue to meet a companion, and go on dates. The internet discourse around this isn’t hard to find, as it is the topic of many podcasts, and social media posts. The fallout is troubling, with 64 percent of men reporting feelings of insecurity due to lack of messages. If the statistics are not troubling enough, I am hearing this anecdotally from young men in the world constantly. They frequently note receiving little to no matches, and often get “ghosted” by the females they do match with. One issue that is often reported anecdotally, and is a heavy topic of online discussion is height filters. I know many women personally who have set their height filters at above 6 feet only. The only problem of course, is that 85% of US males, and 95% of males worldwide are under 6 foot tall, meaning many women are then competing for a very small number of potential mates. This doesn’t bode well for either gender’s quest to find a partner.

Increased Options Doesn’t Always Equal Increased Happiness 

If you’re lucky enough to be over 6 foot, highly attractive, and have an above average job and social circle, then you likely have seemingly endless female options on dating sites. Think of that 6 '5 friend you have who is in great shape with a full head of hair. Scott Galloway calls these guys “the 10%.” As one of my friends once put it, being amongst this population on a dating app is “like being the only guy in a bar full of interested women.” While that sounds probably sounds awesome to many of you, it doesn't always lead to satisfaction with dating. The main reason for this being, The Paradox of Choice, which tells us that when we have an abundance of options, making a decision is more difficult, and we therefore often feel less satisfied or confident with the decisions we make. So while feeling sorry for a guy who can get dates with whoever they want may seem laughable, he may not be enjoying himself quite as much as one might think. That is because difficulty in choosing from a bevy of options can create feelings of anxiety or unhappiness, and inhibit males from finding meaning and purpose in creating a life or family with a life partner. 

So where does this leave us? Not hopeless, but overdue for a shift in how we approach dating. If you feel like the dating apps aren't working for you, it's important to know that you're far from alone, and it's less of a reflection of you and more a reflection of a flawed system. The reality is, dating apps have not worked for most men for a long time. Tying our worth to matches, likes, and messages has moved us further from the things that matter, such as inner purpose, meaning and connection. Shifting our focus back to these pillars is the starting point we need to move us away from loneliness and isolation. In future posts, we will delve in to specific steps to accomplish exactly that.

Disclaimer: The content on this blog is provided for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health care, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are experiencing mental health or medical concerns, please seek the guidance of a qualified healthcare provider.

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