“The Friendship Recession: Why Adults Are Losing Each Other (Part 1)”

I’m worried. Let me explain.

I feel beyond blessed with the friends that I’ve built and maintained in my life. I have been fortunate enough to accumulate friends in childhood, college, and from work. Even better, I have maintained these relationships through many different seasons of adult life. So far, by being intentional, and being clear in my priorities, I’ve been able to leave space for these friendships, even as life has evolved for me.

But as I approach middle age, I have trepidation. I’m worried that as life evolves for me, and as things such as marriage, children, increasing work demands enter the equation for both me and my peers, these friendships that I’ve held so near and dear to my heart for so long will deteriorate. 

It turns out that I am far from alone. In my practice, I constantly hear from adult clients who report feelings of loneliness, and a lack of meaningful adult friendships. Statistics point to a worrisome pattern of more and more adult males being in the same boat. A 2024 study by the Survey Center of American Life noted that only 26% of adult men reported having six or more close friends, compared to 55 percent in 1990, when the figure was at 55%. Additionally, nearly 20 percent of men report having zero close friends. Clearly we’ve lost our way with friendships, and there is some level of both theory and evidence that it is contributing to decline in mental health. So what’s gotten us away from adult friendships? 

1. Delay in Adult “Milestones”

When we enter adulthood, we can often expect many different life changes, such as starting a career, getting married, buying a house, and having children. Other things, such as getting a key promotion, or caring for an aging family member often occur during this time. The problem is, many of these milestones such as getting married or having children are delayed compared to past generations. This leaves adults experiencing many of these aforementioned major life events in a small time span. When this happens, it leaves less time for anything outside of the necessities or running a home, tending to a marriage and family, and keeping up with increasing work demands. 

2. Work From Home Impact

Working from home, while incredibly convenient in many ways, is far less convenient for developing new friendships. Oftentimes, when we leave high school or college, we may drift apart from our friends for a variety of reasons. Historically, it was common to develop new friendships in adulthood by means of work. Happy hours, retreats, or even just water cooler banter were once great mediums of exchange for building adult friendships. As we have shifted to more remote or hybrid work environments, it becomes tougher to connect with co-workers in a meaningful way. In fact, Gallup reports that 33% of remote workers have 33% less work friends than in person workers, and 40% of remote workers report experiencing loneliness. 

3. Finding Commonalities Gets More Difficult in Middle Age

Mel Robbins calls it “The Great Scattering.” Where our proximity, energy, common and timing vary more from person to person after we hit our twenties. Suddenly, that friend that you were used to hitting the bar with on most Saturday nights is married while you’re still single. That inseparable childhood friend of yours took a job that forced them to move to another state while you live closer to home. When these things happen, it is hard to maintain the same level of emotional attunement when our lives are so different. When we aren’t in similar life stages, in similar locations, or have similar social motivations, it can be hard to stay on the same wavelength as others, even when we’ve been close to someone for a long time. 

4. Males Struggle with Vulnerability

Here’s the elephant in the room. Generally speaking, females are much more likely to reach out to friends, and therefore are more likely to maintain friendships as they age. This points to a deeper issue of vulnerability. Women are nearly twice as likely to reach out to a friend for support compared to their male counterparts, and are doubly likely to be in regular contact with friends, even by text. As most males can probably relate to, there is often an emotional discomfort with talking about deeper issues related to each other's lives. We tend to reserve our banter for sports, playful insults, or simply planning a hang. We are far less likely to talk about issues in our marriage, job, or parenting. Another statistic that I just thought was plain interesting was the fact that women are twice as likely to tell a friend “I love you” than men. 

In part two, we will discuss where we go from here, and outline actionable strategies that males can use to improve their quantity, and quality of friendships. 

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Max Sturm, Clinical Social Work/Therapist, Royal Oak, MI, 48067 | Psychology Today

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