The Friendship Recession: Why Adults Are Losing Each Other And What We Can Do About It: Part 2

As we discovered in part one, adults as a whole, but more specifically adult males are struggling to hang on to existing friendships, as well as cultivate new ones. We analyzed modern societal trends, and how things such as working from home, delays in adult milestones, and male difficulties with vulnerability. Certainly, there are plenty more factors, such as the rise in cost of living/activities, and even the impact of constantly viewing social media has on our expectations of what’s “normal” in terms of friendships are other things that clients often report as barriers to feeling fulfilled socially (news flash, going to Europe every other month is not normal for most people despite what that one person on your timeline tells you).

The greater question becomes this; what on earth can be done about what seems to be a depressing topic that is getting worse for many of us? While there is certainly no one size fits all approach to friendship, my goal here is to combine some clinical and practical tools into actionable steps that anyone can take away from this post, and make work for them in their own way, for their own life. 

1. View Friendship Through a Grief Lense

When most people see the word grief, they think of someone they love passing away. But the fact of the matter is that we grieve many different things all the time. Grief, in it’s simplest form, is a psychological, cognitive, and physical response to significant loss. We lose things all the time that we love, such as a job or a home. But when we think of our friends, sometimes we forget that a period of time coming and going can be a loss to us. Let me explain. Let’s say that you used to have a group of friends who all lived within a 10 mile radius of one another (and you), but many have since moved away. While you did not lose those friends completely, you did lose the type of relationship with said friends where you could call them on a short notice to meet for dinner. While they’re still your friends, you now have a much different relationship with them that you must learn how to navigate. You have “lost” the type of relationship that you used to enjoy with them. Objectively, that sucks, especially in the beginning. And there is power in simply acknowledging that to yourself, or even talking to a trusted person in your life about it. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, or disappointed, and more importantly, don’t judge yourself for feeling these emotions. It is critical in allowing yourself to begin to heal. In viewing this as a form of grief, we can begin to move through the grief stages, and ultimately begin to practice accepting and working with. Speaking of which…

2. Learn to Accept and Work With

Being able to accept that the relationship between yourself and your friends has changed allows you to decide how you want to “work with” it. If you have a friend who now has a child, while you are still single and more socially available, part of working with acceptance would be to allow yourselves to get more creative in how you interact with one another. In this case, it is less likely that your friend with a child will be available to attend Friday night comedy shows, or weekend trips. Getting creative in “working with” might be bringing over coffee once per month when your friend’s child is down for a nap. Or encouraging your friend to give you a call when they are out running errands. Yes, I understand that thinking of your friendship that used to include gallivanting at bars, and planning exciting trips being reduced to chatting while running errands can feel like an omission of defeat. But if you care deeply about these friendships, the goal is to interact with them, no matter how different it may look during this season of life (while understanding that they can evolve in future seasons). 

3. Set Aside Your Pride, And Be The Friend

This one is pretty straightforward, but it is an issue that I hear from clients in my practice all the time. We often have a mental scoreboard in our heads, and are keenly aware about how often we’ve organized social plans vs our friends. While it is natural to feel this way, as we are trying to protect ourselves from getting emotionally hurt, it can be highly damaging to our ultimate goal: seeing our friends. As we discussed in part one, when the “great scattering” occurs, people have different priorities, energy levels, and capacities. Oftentimes, there are seasons where people have a desire to interact, but a low capacity to make it happen. It is possible that your friend is ashamed, or depressed about their own change in circumstances, and therefore incapable of reaching out. While you reaching out to them may be a welcoming sight. 

I advise you to take Scott Galloway’s advice and “put away the scoreboard.” Haven’t heard from your friend in a while but want to talk to them? Great, call them! Feel like plans don’t happen with your friends if you don’t make them? Who cares, make them anyway! View it as an opportunity to reframe your view of your role in the group. If you have the energy and time, allow yourself to become the facilitator or connector, and take pride in bringing your friends together for dinners, outings, and trips alike even if they're unlikely to happen without you. Because in the end, you AND your friends are the ones who benefit from this!

4. Join a New Community, Make It a “Third Place”

Now, many may be in a position where they need to make new friends. Enter the “third place”- a place that is separate from home and work, where we can be ourselves, and enjoy connection, and community. Think of Central Perk in the show Friends, or MacLaren’s Pub in How I Met Your Mother. These are places where we can unwind, and be with others without having to be “on” socially. But it doesn’t end at a coffee shop or bar, third places can take on many different forms. Fitness is a great way to connect with others, and Crossfit gyms have steadily grown over the last twenty years. Run clubs are a newer phenomenon that continues to skyrocket in popularity, with a 2024 report estimating a 59% increase in participation in that year. One other great way to connect with others that often goes overlooked is volunteering. Volunteering is great for a number of reasons. For one, doing for others naturally makes us happier, like 89% happier. Another reason volunteering is effective is because it allows us to connect with people who are likely to have similar values to us. There are so many different ways to volunteer, and so many causes to support. Volunteering is a great way to start.

What stood out to you in this post, and what could you see yourself trying in your own life? What else did we miss?

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maxsturm@ascendtherapyllc.com

Max Sturm, Clinical Social Work/Therapist, Royal Oak, MI, 48067 | Psychology Today

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