Three Things Happy Couples Do On A Regular Basis

This might be a controversial sentence, but I have a great deal of confidence that it is true, so I’ll write it anyway: being in a romantic relationship is one of, if not the most difficult thing that you will do in your life. I realize that this sounds ridiculous, as movies, sitcoms, social media, and books often portray it as the opposite. But for most of us, it’s just plain fact. In a long-term relationship, we undergo many changes in life and endure our fair share of hardship. Furthermore, we evolve as individuals over time, and going through the many seasons of life causes us to become different people as time goes on. Why does this matter? Because divorce is a costly thing to go through, both financially and emotionally. While divorce rates are actually slightly declining, Pew research reported that in 2023, one out of three people who had ever reported being married reported that their first marriage had ended in divorce. This tends to affect men more deeply than women, as recent research shows that divorced men are less likely to be employed than married men. And if you have kids? There is mounds of data to show that growing up in divorce can have a lasting impact on them.

I recognize that this all sounds rather gloomy, but there’s good news too. We have many years of research and intervention under our belts in regard to what makes a marriage work, or not work. There are evidence-based tools that all couples can use to give their relationship the best chance of withstanding the ups and downs of life, and ensure that they grow together, not apart. In honor of Valentine’s Day, we’ve put together a list of things that the self-reported happiest couples do everyday to strengthen and maintain their relationship as discovered by John and Julie Gottman, the most accomplished researchers on marital therapy. Let’s talk through three things that the Gottman's say the happiest couples do regularly.  

1. Regularly Update Their “Love Maps”

Love mapping is a term that Gottman junkies are likely familiar with, and it is a rather simple concept. It is simply the process of understanding our partner’s inner world. Why is this important? Because, as discussed above, our inner world often changes over time, and it’s important for us to tune into our partner as they change and evolve. This isn’t rocket science. But ask yourself, do you know your partner’s favorite restaurant? Do you know a movie that they love so much they watched it a second time? What about a friend who they’ve drifted apart from in recent years? If you cannot answer these questions about your own partner, then you know where your work lies. If it feels too overwhelming to think of questions to ask on your own, a google search of Gottman love mapping questions will do the trick. Make it fun, do them over a glass of wine or coffee, or on a walk. By love mapping consistently (weekly is good, daily is best), we grow and maintain our friendship, and allow shared fondness and admiration to rule our relationship. 

2. Accept Influence

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, contrary to what Travis Kelce says. Fighting can actually be a good thing, as it gives us an opportunity to understand one another’s perspectives and value systems more deeply, and grow closer to one another. When disagreeing, one way to ensure the exchange is more productive is to intentionally accept influence from our partner. Statements such as “that’s fair” or “I see your point there”, or even “while I don’t agree with everything you said, I do agree on ____ part.” These statements, while simple in practice, help lower the temperature when in conflict, and bring us back to a place of “us vs the problem” as opposed to “you vs me.”

3. Turn Towards One Another

“Turning Towards” has become a buzz word all over social media, but I think that it is sometimes misused and misunderstood. Let me explain. In our relationships, we are constantly faced with sliding door moments, in which we have a choice of turning towards, or turning away from our partner. I’ll give an example; you are locked into a show when your partner plops down on the couch, lets out a sigh and says “wow, I am wiped.” This is what we would call a “bid for attention.” From here, as a partner, you have two moves: one, turn toward the bid by asking how their day was, or turn away from the bid by pretending that we did not hear it and continue on with our show. Statistically, this is a crucial fork in the road for marital success. Couples who report as happily married respond to these bids by “turning toward” about 86% of the time. So next time your partner makes a bid, allow yourself to view your response as choosing to invest in the relationship. 

At the end of the day, strong relationships aren’t built on grand gestures or perfect compatibility, but on small, intentional choices made over and over again. Updating your love maps, accepting influence, and turning toward one another are simple practices. When they’re practiced consistently, they can be the difference between growing apart and growing closer. This Valentine’s Day, let it be less about romance as a feeling, and more about love as something you actively choose to do.

Have a great Valentine’s day!

Thanks for reading! Please contact us below for more.

248-238-8069

maxsturm@ascendtherapyllc.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/max-sturm-howell-mi/1150307

LinkedIn