What’s Your Attachment Style? How Understanding Can Improve Your Relationship

Max Sturm, LMSW
Jul 23, 2024
5 min read

Like many things in our society, the landscape of dating, marriage, and romantic relationships as a whole has dramatically shifted in the past century. As we’ve become a more advanced, and complex society, people have gained more freedom and avenues to choose a romantic partner than ever before. Things like dating apps, social media, social groups, and increase in travel have paved the way for many “unorthodox” ways for potential couples to meet, or build a relationship. While this is great in many ways, it can also present drawbacks. Having seemingly limitless options can make it harder for people to settle in and build a lasting, healthy, relationship with a partner. That’s because it’s harder to determine if we’ve found the right partner for us, and vice versa.

This is one reason that it is more important than ever to pay attention to your own attachment style, and also be aware of your potential mate’s as well. This is because it can be key in understanding what makes you, or your partner tick, and the most effective ways to communicate. Whether you are hearing about attachment style for the first time, or are familiar with the concept, this blog aims to provide readers with information around the most common attachment styles, and hopefully may inspire reflection for you and your partner. Let’s dig in!

What is Attachment?

Some people may recall the revolutionary Strange Situation experiment, as it is one of the earliest studies surrounding attachment theory. The study took place in the 1970’s under the direction of Mary Ainsworth. It consisted of a mother and her young child (between the ages of 9 and 30 months), an observer, and a stranger. The mom and child were placed in a room with toys. At a certain point, the mother would leave the room and the child would be left with a stranger (or observer), or sometimes by themselves. Later, the mother would return to the room. During this time, examiners were monitoring the young child’s behavior and reactions during all the above mentioned scenarios. The results offered beginning clues into the child’s sense of security with their caregiver. Children who had a more secure attachment to their caregiver would more easily soothe themselves, and calm down when their mother returned to the room.

Fast forward to today! As we’ve learned more about brain science, and advancements have been made in the research of attachment, and romantic relationships as a whole, we’ve learned that attachment is not solely determined by early experiences with our caregivers. We’ve learned that our attachment can change over time, and be influenced by additional life experiences, such as early romantic relationships and even friendships. Though there are a bevy of different recognized attachment styles, there are three main styles that are universally acknowledged; anxious, avoidant, and secure. I will attempt to provide a brief overview of each.

Anxious Attachment

Individuals who present as anxiously attached are often motivated to be very close to their partner. They often have a fear that their partner does not have the same desire for closeness that they do. Additionally, they tend to often be preoccupied with the relationship itself, and may be especially sensitive to any real or perceived shifts in their partner’s moods, words, or actions. People who have an anxious attachment style tend to engage in protest behaviors by means of “acting out” in emotionally driven fashion. Some examples of anxious protest behaviors include threatening to break up if their partner doesn’t change a specific behavior, or engaging in a certain behavior or action in order to get their attention (such as trying to make them jealous).

This doesn’t mean that people who are anxiously attached can’t participate in a loving, committed relationship. Someone who is anxiously attached has a lot of great strengths! They tend to be highly committed to making the relationship work, and have great capacity for intimacy and closeness. Anxiously attached people tend to do better in relationships where they receive more frequent reassurance from their partner. Simply knowing that, and being able to articulate this to one’s partner can prove to be valuable in growing a connection.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidantly attached individuals are on the opposite end of the spectrum compared to their anxious counterparts. Avoidantly attached people value their autonomy and independence, and are more likely to avoid getting close in a romantic relationship. They are more keen to keep their partner at an arm's length, and may say things like they “just don’t believe in labels.” Avoidants often will excessively delay typical relationship milestones like saying “I love you” or moving in together, and may report to friends that they haven’t found a partner that is their intellectual equal. They are constantly on high alert to ensure that no romantic partner will intrude on their independence, and individuality.

Of course, being independent is a strength in many areas that can make a partner attractive for the long haul. Ways that avoidantly attached individuals can begin to enjoy more intimacy and closeness in relationships starts largely with reframing their perspective of their relationship. For one, that means no longer looking at their partner’s attempts for closeness as negative behaviors that require them to become “dependent”, but rather as positive growth in building a relationship. Furthermore, avoidants tend to often focus on the negative aspects of their partner, and thus, their relationship. Something as simple as a regular gratitude practice specific to their partner can be an effective way to begin to rewire one’s thinking, and change their perspective of the relationship.

Secure Attachment

Securely attached people are the easiest to form relationships with. They are warm, and adept at effectively communicating their own needs in a relationship in a healthy manner. Even more so, they are able to be flexible, and be responsive to their partner’s needs, and general ebbs and flows of a relationship. This is because they are strong at reading their partner’s cues, but don’t overly take them personally. Securely attached individuals are often able to form successful relationships with both anxious and avoidant partners.

Conclusion

The good news is this; there are millions of people who are anxious, avoidant and secure, and many of them are able to be in lasting relationships. If you suspect that you or your partner may be anxious or avoidantly attached, it hardly means that you are doomed. What it does mean, is that you may need to be intentional about the partner that you choose, or how you communicate with your existing partner. As the saying goes, love is a verb, and like anything worth having, it requires frequent attention, care, and work. The first step is to determine you and your partner’s attachment style. From there, together you can cultivate a roadmap that allows you both to be in a relationship where your needs are met. Of course, for some couples, therapy can be a helpful tool in maintaining, repairing, or rediscovering their relationship.

If you are interested in more information regarding this topic, I’d highly recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. Their book provides the latest research in adult attachment, and also provides ready made interventions for singles and couples to address their own attachment style. If you are still curious about what your own attachment style is, or that of your partner’s you can take their attachment style quiz here. What more would you like to know about this topic?

My name is Max Sturm, and I am a clinical therapist at Ascend Therapy Group. Welcome to my blog! Here I aim to make information surrounding mental health topics accessible to readers, and serve as a guide and resource to others as they navigate their own mental health journey.

248-238-8069

maxsturm@ascendtherapyllc.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/max-sturm-howell-mi/1150307